I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
