cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
