im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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