I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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