you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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