I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
