I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
don't judge my taste in strippers
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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