A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
worst night to have a conscience
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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