I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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