We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
