I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
