Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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