i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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