I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
