I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
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I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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