i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
