My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
