i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".