If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm