Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets