Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
