she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
