im drinking this country out of the recession.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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