he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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