worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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