When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize