They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
True college students do jello shots in the library
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