I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
