I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize