i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
