I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We need a shit load of segways right now
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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