Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
