i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
