Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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