good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
