smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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