That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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