I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
