I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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