who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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