Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
