Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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