I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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