Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
