Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
