If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
