I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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