I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
