Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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