Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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