I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
