I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
