Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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