I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
