when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
