Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
