you turned your livingroom into a bong?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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