his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
