I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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