there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla