dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
